Sunday, June 29, 2008
White noise
Just an FYI, I'm going off the air for an indefinite period of time, I need to 'disconnect' for a while. I'm making a conscious decision to get away from some distractions for a bit, the internet happens to be one of them. I'll be back sometime in the future!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
No More Namby-Pamby
You might want to grab a cuppa for this one. And be prepared to just go with me, I'm not exactly sure where this post is going to go yet......
I've had this post in my head for a while - I just haven't been able to catch all the words and form them into coherent thoughts, and I'm not sure even now I'm going to be able to express what is going on within, because in all honestly, I don't think I have the full picture yet. I just know I have to get this all down, and that I'm being told to get it 'out there'.
How does a fire start? Usually, with a spark - whether the spark comes from embers that have been smouldering for a while, or from a forceful, intentional ignition depends on each individual situation. I have had a fire lit within me, and I'm not entirely sure where the spark came from. To some degree, I feel like both forms of ignition have take place - the smouldering ember, and the forceful, flint-on-flint striking. I think the fuel has always been there, but it's just been 'there', sitting, waiting for the catalyst to set it alight.
Let me tell you a story. As anyone who reads this blog with even semi-regularity would know, I recently finished uni and started working as a registered nurse at my local hospital. I posted a couple of times earlier this year about feeling God stirring something in me, about not knowing what it was about, but that it had to do with my life in Him. I've just re-read these posts (and then some), and almost feel they were somewhat prophetic, in light of what has come to pass since I wrote those words! I read a quote on the weekend that has stuck in my head - 'If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans'. Oh, how true those words are ringing in my ears at the moment.
I started work at the beginning of March, and started shift-work on the ward at the beginning of April. I'm the first to admit the transition to work as a whole was a real struggle, and I was constantly questioning my abilities, trying to find some confidence and to trust in God to lead me through everything - all very normal feelings during a change in life, I know. After 6 weeks on the ward, and still feeling like I was treading water, I had a shift where for the first time, I actually felt like a *real* nurse. This was the day after this post, and I had also previously posted about the emotional and heart matters I was going through, letting God deal with, and at this time I had thought 'I have *so* much going on in my life at the moment, I don't know if I could deal with anything else'. The day after I wrote about feeling so free in God, feeling like I was flying, I got hurt at work, and injured my back. Initially I just thought it was muscle strain and that a few days of rest would fix it all up. That was 5 weeks ago, and I haven't worked during that time. It was a bit more than muscle strain. The thing we're all warned about and prepared for as students happened to me, through absolutely no-one's fault, just 'one of those things' - I hurt my back. 6 weeks into my new job, one that I feel God has called me to, one I feel that God has me where He wants me to be, one I was *just* starting to find my feet in, and I was landed on my bum, very incapacitated for a period of time. And I had absolutely no idea what to do.
I cannot even begin to articulate the lessons I've learned through this experience. The physical, emotional and spiritual impact of everything going on in my life at a certain point in time has changed how I see life, how I see my life and my life in Christ. I was already dealing with a pretty big life issue when I got hurt, and all of a sudden I had to deal with this as well, because the heart matters didn't all of a sudden go away or resolve just because I had a physical injury. All of a sudden I was broken inside and out, and I had no idea what to do or where to go. I had to learn that I simply *couldn't* do things physically because I wasn't mechanically capable of it, and for the first time in my life, I had to surrender to saying 'no, I'm not ok', and not to 'put on a brave face', because I knew I wasn't going to be able to get through this on my own, in any sense. I *had* to accept the help people offered me and more than that, I had to actually *ask* for help, and that has been such a humbling experience. I was brought to my knees in the knowledge that the only refuge I had was in God, in His protection of me and provision for me. I continue to be brought to my knees everyday, and at the moment I continue to be humbled over and over again when I think I can do something just because I want to, and I'm reminded that actually, I can't.
When I realised that I was going to be off work for an indefinite period of time, and that this process was going to be literally a day-by-day one, I prayed that this time would be used wisely, that I wouldn't waste the opportunity I was suddenly presented with to spend more time with God, to learn more about Him and His word, and perhaps even learn more about His purpose for me. Today, I am still in somewhat of a state of disbelief at what has happened during this time, and what I am feeling now.
In praying to know God more, I was broken. My heart was broken, my spirit was broken, my bones were almost literally crushed. Whilst I wouldn't say I sunk to the depths of despair, I came very close, because I just struggled *so* much with the unknown, with my life becoming unpredictable, with being totally thrown out of my comfort zone, so much so that I have no idea what a comfort zone is any more. I generally see myself as someone who is pretty 'go with the flow', easygoing, takes everything in their stride, and I am - I just didn't realise how much I actually like predictability and generally being able to predict the outcome of my actions, and relying on that. I have had predictability and 'foresight' taken from me, and in the process had my eyes opened to just how much I can only rely on God for His guidance of me and my life. Head knowledge became heart knowledge, it was like God reached into me and grabbed my heart and said 'I want all of you, I don't want just the parts you *want* to give to me, I don't want you to keep hiding from Me, protecting your heart from Me. That's not enough for Me, I want it all, and I'm not going to let you stay comfortably numb, because that is not My best for you'. And it hurt. A lot. Physically. This was before I hurt my back, a pain I couldn't escape, and reflecting now I know it was my heart being broken, being cracked open, actually feeling for the first time in a long while, and it hurt. And I had no control over it.
Through this time, I have had a lot of scripture 'given' to me, through many sources, from various forms of media to a page turning and revealing His Word. Whilst looking for a particular Psalm through this refining period, I happened upon a new-to-me verse that gave me such clarity about the heart process that was going on within me ; Psalm 33:13-14 '..from His dwelling place He watches all who live on earth - He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do'. I then went back to read v 11 'But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations'. He created my heart before He created the earth, and He has always known what would happen to it. He knew this would happen now, when it has, and has prepared the way for me to go through this journey. Again, I was brought to one of my 'life' scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11-14 'For I alone know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' The part that continues to smack me between the eyes is 'Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.' I posted not so long ago about the longing for more, the anticipation of something and not knowing what, and I think I'm being shown now what that was, what I was being prepared for. Then again I could be completely wrong. Meditating on the words in Jeremiah kept reminding me how I have to keep seeking God, keep yearning to find Him, as The Message puts it ' when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you wont be disappointed...I'll turn things around for you'.
I am learning what it is to *want* God, not to just know Him and His promises intellectually. I am learning what it is to physically long for Him and His presence, for that desire to occupy my thoughts, direct my attentions, lead me in my learning. I want to be brought back from the captivity that is 'living in the world', to be serious about finding Him and wanting Him more than anything else. During this time I was also led to Psalm 51, another new-to-me scripture, and as I read through the passage I was nearly knocked off my feet with the verse 'Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you have crushed rejoice.' I was having a particularly bad day with pain when I read this, and for a second I couldn't breathe, I just sat in wonder at the process God takes us through when He wants us to find something of Him, in Him. Because the passage then goes on in vs 10-12
I've had this post in my head for a while - I just haven't been able to catch all the words and form them into coherent thoughts, and I'm not sure even now I'm going to be able to express what is going on within, because in all honestly, I don't think I have the full picture yet. I just know I have to get this all down, and that I'm being told to get it 'out there'.
How does a fire start? Usually, with a spark - whether the spark comes from embers that have been smouldering for a while, or from a forceful, intentional ignition depends on each individual situation. I have had a fire lit within me, and I'm not entirely sure where the spark came from. To some degree, I feel like both forms of ignition have take place - the smouldering ember, and the forceful, flint-on-flint striking. I think the fuel has always been there, but it's just been 'there', sitting, waiting for the catalyst to set it alight.
Let me tell you a story. As anyone who reads this blog with even semi-regularity would know, I recently finished uni and started working as a registered nurse at my local hospital. I posted a couple of times earlier this year about feeling God stirring something in me, about not knowing what it was about, but that it had to do with my life in Him. I've just re-read these posts (and then some), and almost feel they were somewhat prophetic, in light of what has come to pass since I wrote those words! I read a quote on the weekend that has stuck in my head - 'If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans'. Oh, how true those words are ringing in my ears at the moment.
I started work at the beginning of March, and started shift-work on the ward at the beginning of April. I'm the first to admit the transition to work as a whole was a real struggle, and I was constantly questioning my abilities, trying to find some confidence and to trust in God to lead me through everything - all very normal feelings during a change in life, I know. After 6 weeks on the ward, and still feeling like I was treading water, I had a shift where for the first time, I actually felt like a *real* nurse. This was the day after this post, and I had also previously posted about the emotional and heart matters I was going through, letting God deal with, and at this time I had thought 'I have *so* much going on in my life at the moment, I don't know if I could deal with anything else'. The day after I wrote about feeling so free in God, feeling like I was flying, I got hurt at work, and injured my back. Initially I just thought it was muscle strain and that a few days of rest would fix it all up. That was 5 weeks ago, and I haven't worked during that time. It was a bit more than muscle strain. The thing we're all warned about and prepared for as students happened to me, through absolutely no-one's fault, just 'one of those things' - I hurt my back. 6 weeks into my new job, one that I feel God has called me to, one I feel that God has me where He wants me to be, one I was *just* starting to find my feet in, and I was landed on my bum, very incapacitated for a period of time. And I had absolutely no idea what to do.
I cannot even begin to articulate the lessons I've learned through this experience. The physical, emotional and spiritual impact of everything going on in my life at a certain point in time has changed how I see life, how I see my life and my life in Christ. I was already dealing with a pretty big life issue when I got hurt, and all of a sudden I had to deal with this as well, because the heart matters didn't all of a sudden go away or resolve just because I had a physical injury. All of a sudden I was broken inside and out, and I had no idea what to do or where to go. I had to learn that I simply *couldn't* do things physically because I wasn't mechanically capable of it, and for the first time in my life, I had to surrender to saying 'no, I'm not ok', and not to 'put on a brave face', because I knew I wasn't going to be able to get through this on my own, in any sense. I *had* to accept the help people offered me and more than that, I had to actually *ask* for help, and that has been such a humbling experience. I was brought to my knees in the knowledge that the only refuge I had was in God, in His protection of me and provision for me. I continue to be brought to my knees everyday, and at the moment I continue to be humbled over and over again when I think I can do something just because I want to, and I'm reminded that actually, I can't.
When I realised that I was going to be off work for an indefinite period of time, and that this process was going to be literally a day-by-day one, I prayed that this time would be used wisely, that I wouldn't waste the opportunity I was suddenly presented with to spend more time with God, to learn more about Him and His word, and perhaps even learn more about His purpose for me. Today, I am still in somewhat of a state of disbelief at what has happened during this time, and what I am feeling now.
In praying to know God more, I was broken. My heart was broken, my spirit was broken, my bones were almost literally crushed. Whilst I wouldn't say I sunk to the depths of despair, I came very close, because I just struggled *so* much with the unknown, with my life becoming unpredictable, with being totally thrown out of my comfort zone, so much so that I have no idea what a comfort zone is any more. I generally see myself as someone who is pretty 'go with the flow', easygoing, takes everything in their stride, and I am - I just didn't realise how much I actually like predictability and generally being able to predict the outcome of my actions, and relying on that. I have had predictability and 'foresight' taken from me, and in the process had my eyes opened to just how much I can only rely on God for His guidance of me and my life. Head knowledge became heart knowledge, it was like God reached into me and grabbed my heart and said 'I want all of you, I don't want just the parts you *want* to give to me, I don't want you to keep hiding from Me, protecting your heart from Me. That's not enough for Me, I want it all, and I'm not going to let you stay comfortably numb, because that is not My best for you'. And it hurt. A lot. Physically. This was before I hurt my back, a pain I couldn't escape, and reflecting now I know it was my heart being broken, being cracked open, actually feeling for the first time in a long while, and it hurt. And I had no control over it.
Through this time, I have had a lot of scripture 'given' to me, through many sources, from various forms of media to a page turning and revealing His Word. Whilst looking for a particular Psalm through this refining period, I happened upon a new-to-me verse that gave me such clarity about the heart process that was going on within me ; Psalm 33:13-14 '..from His dwelling place He watches all who live on earth - He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do'. I then went back to read v 11 'But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations'. He created my heart before He created the earth, and He has always known what would happen to it. He knew this would happen now, when it has, and has prepared the way for me to go through this journey. Again, I was brought to one of my 'life' scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11-14 'For I alone know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' The part that continues to smack me between the eyes is 'Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.' I posted not so long ago about the longing for more, the anticipation of something and not knowing what, and I think I'm being shown now what that was, what I was being prepared for. Then again I could be completely wrong. Meditating on the words in Jeremiah kept reminding me how I have to keep seeking God, keep yearning to find Him, as The Message puts it ' when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you wont be disappointed...I'll turn things around for you'.
I am learning what it is to *want* God, not to just know Him and His promises intellectually. I am learning what it is to physically long for Him and His presence, for that desire to occupy my thoughts, direct my attentions, lead me in my learning. I want to be brought back from the captivity that is 'living in the world', to be serious about finding Him and wanting Him more than anything else. During this time I was also led to Psalm 51, another new-to-me scripture, and as I read through the passage I was nearly knocked off my feet with the verse 'Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you have crushed rejoice.' I was having a particularly bad day with pain when I read this, and for a second I couldn't breathe, I just sat in wonder at the process God takes us through when He wants us to find something of Him, in Him. Because the passage then goes on in vs 10-12
'Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. '
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. '
I just wanted to sit with these words, to drink them in and let them soak in, because they just felt like the 'medicine' I needed, which even in writing this seems almost strange - they're words that are a prayer of renewal, a plea of sustenance and provision, a desire of 'I want you to do this in me Lord so that I can live for you', not a prayer of 'give this to me to fix me', which is what medicine is. It is when I continued to read these divine words that I knew God was at work for me, in me right then and there because I read v 17 'The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise'. I was at a point of 'what on earth is going on?' that day, I was having trouble focusing outside of the pain, and trying to keep everything else in sight, just getting through the day. I read these words, and they were like a balm to my spirit, it was like having God's hands cradle my heart and say to me 'this is for you, this is what you need right now, rest in Me and My Word'. He was telling me that He had allowed this brokenness in me for His purposes, because He needed me to be broken so that He could make me new again, and these words were further reinforced with The Message translation
'Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice'
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice'
Heart-shattered. I cannot find better words.
This is where the 'no more namby-pamby' comes in. This is where the fire starts. I had a realisation, like a sudden jolt of clarity - I don't want to do 'fluffy' in life anymore. And through this journey of late, I've realised how much 'fluffy' in my life I have let consume me, distract me, divert my focus away from God. yes, many of these issues are very real and have to be dealt with, and I don't mean to deny them or minimise them in any way at all, but I am learning that ultimately, they're not what's important. My salvation is what's important. Living the gift of this life that God has given me is what's important. Shining God's light to the world through my living is what's important. Life is not a half-baked adventure we are to muddle our way through. We are not here to live to fulfill our own purposes and desires, but to live the life God has for us, we need to discover what His purpose and His desires for us are. And that takes purpose and desire. I can only speak for myself, but I have realised that I have to live my life on purpose for His purpose. I have to live out loud, to shine my Light before all men so that they may see His good works, not mine. I have no idea what God is going to bring me in life, and as I've experienced more than once this year, the journey we're travelling in life can change in a split second, and take us down a path we could not possibly have foreseen. We get lost, we lose our way, we start wandering down the broad road and stray from the narrow one, and so often, we don't even realise it. Of course, we are impacted by everything going on around us, and I think for me, I'm learning that's where focus is so important. Not being one-eyed and narrow-minded, but focused, to 'run in such a way as to get the prize' (1 Cor 9:25), 'forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.....(to) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus' (Phill 3:13-14).
I don't know if I'm actually doing my thoughts any justice in this post. I have so much in me, so much God has placed in me to process, to live, to love with, and that is such a new experience in itself, it is overwhelming. I am learning that I am Loved, not just knowing, but feeling. And that has come from pain, and fear, and hurt, and having my nice, comfortable little life turned upside down and inside out. And we're not even halfway through the year!! God has lit a fire within me, and as cliched as it sounds, I don't want to let it go out. I want to keep it fuelled, for it to be what drives me in this life, to sustain me, to shine through me, all for Him and His glory. I want to keep allowing Him to make new my shattered heart, to allow His perfect love to drive out my fear, because there is no fear in His perfect love. I want to be consumed from the inside out, for the cry of my heart to be to bring Him praise. I'm going to take a deep breath and say I want Him to continue to ruin me if that's what it takes, because I know that 'God is within her, she will not fall' (Psalm 46:5). I have that glorious promise from Him, and I will continue to 'open up before God, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done' (Psalm 37:5 The Message)
This is where the 'no more namby-pamby' comes in. This is where the fire starts. I had a realisation, like a sudden jolt of clarity - I don't want to do 'fluffy' in life anymore. And through this journey of late, I've realised how much 'fluffy' in my life I have let consume me, distract me, divert my focus away from God. yes, many of these issues are very real and have to be dealt with, and I don't mean to deny them or minimise them in any way at all, but I am learning that ultimately, they're not what's important. My salvation is what's important. Living the gift of this life that God has given me is what's important. Shining God's light to the world through my living is what's important. Life is not a half-baked adventure we are to muddle our way through. We are not here to live to fulfill our own purposes and desires, but to live the life God has for us, we need to discover what His purpose and His desires for us are. And that takes purpose and desire. I can only speak for myself, but I have realised that I have to live my life on purpose for His purpose. I have to live out loud, to shine my Light before all men so that they may see His good works, not mine. I have no idea what God is going to bring me in life, and as I've experienced more than once this year, the journey we're travelling in life can change in a split second, and take us down a path we could not possibly have foreseen. We get lost, we lose our way, we start wandering down the broad road and stray from the narrow one, and so often, we don't even realise it. Of course, we are impacted by everything going on around us, and I think for me, I'm learning that's where focus is so important. Not being one-eyed and narrow-minded, but focused, to 'run in such a way as to get the prize' (1 Cor 9:25), 'forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.....(to) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus' (Phill 3:13-14).
I don't know if I'm actually doing my thoughts any justice in this post. I have so much in me, so much God has placed in me to process, to live, to love with, and that is such a new experience in itself, it is overwhelming. I am learning that I am Loved, not just knowing, but feeling. And that has come from pain, and fear, and hurt, and having my nice, comfortable little life turned upside down and inside out. And we're not even halfway through the year!! God has lit a fire within me, and as cliched as it sounds, I don't want to let it go out. I want to keep it fuelled, for it to be what drives me in this life, to sustain me, to shine through me, all for Him and His glory. I want to keep allowing Him to make new my shattered heart, to allow His perfect love to drive out my fear, because there is no fear in His perfect love. I want to be consumed from the inside out, for the cry of my heart to be to bring Him praise. I'm going to take a deep breath and say I want Him to continue to ruin me if that's what it takes, because I know that 'God is within her, she will not fall' (Psalm 46:5). I have that glorious promise from Him, and I will continue to 'open up before God, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done' (Psalm 37:5 The Message)
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Re-direction
My first digi LO
Inspired by this version of the Hillsong song 'From The Inside Out'. This particular version has connected with my heart, so speaks of my life right now. I don't have adequate words to describe how God has used this music to touch me.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
New music
I love finding new music, new sounds new artists. I've just discovered Mat Kearney, whom you should be hearing right about now, and am particularly loving 'Breathe In, Breathe Out' (which you should be hearing right about now!). Even better, he's a Christian muso, and his lyrics really speak of faith in Christ.
Breathe in, breathe out, push, pull, fall down - all reminiscent of recent, repeated conversations with a dear friend. And I see the light in her eyes, even if she doesn't. Nothing can put it out.
Thank you, Lord, for the gifts you give us of Your Word-inspired songs.
Breathe in, breathe out, push, pull, fall down - all reminiscent of recent, repeated conversations with a dear friend. And I see the light in her eyes, even if she doesn't. Nothing can put it out.
Thank you, Lord, for the gifts you give us of Your Word-inspired songs.
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