Testing

'…and the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.'
(1 Peter 5:10-11)

I've been pondering whether to post the last couple of days or not. I then just read this piece of scripture on another blog, and it summed up (to some degree) what the last little while has been like for me.

I can't say I've been suffering of late, because I live a very blessed life filled with everything I could possibly need and more, provided by an awesome God who loves me. But for some time now I have had this inexplicable, unshakeable ache in my heart, this yearning for I'm not entirely sure what. It has been quite a physical experience - a very real hurting heart, a weight in my chest, an intermittent flow of tears that is so out of character for me, I'm not sure how to deal with it most of the time. I feel selfish, because there is so much pain and grieving a dealing with life around me that seems so much 'bigger', so much 'more', that my issues seem trivial. But they are my issues, and much as I want to, I can't click my fingers and make them go away.

I'm used to having a problem and working out the best way to deal with it, putting it behind me and learning from the experience. I can't work this one out. I can't put in place a strategy that will get the result I want. I can't *do* anything. It seems all I can do is breathe, and feel, and pray. My day-to-day life continues as normal, going to work, being mum, trying to keep on top of the craziness that is my reality. But there is this underlying hum, this dull heaviness in my heart, this ache for more, for something, for whatever it is God has planned for me. It isn't something that can be relieved by anything of this world, from this world, I *know* it can only be filled by His grace, His love, His almighty power. I'm almost fearful of what that means, of not trying to 'fix my problems', of being patient in God and completely depending on Him for His guidance. I don't resist this discomfort, nor do I rejoice in it, but I know it has purpose. By nature we avoid pain at all costs, but there are times when it becomes such an entrenched part of our lives, there's no getting away from it. That may be for a short or longer season, only God knows. But that's the thing - He does know. I can't say that brings me physical relief or comfort at the moment, and for that I feel somewhat guilty - for I know 'God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.' (Psalm 46:1), and intellectually I rest in that, take refuge in that, it just takes time to filter down to my heart.

A couple of days ago, I made a decision about an issue in my life that I knew I had to deal with, that I couldn't keep ignoring anymore, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Because it involved my heart, and I generally don't let my heart get involved in anything. Previous experience reminds me it takes too much to heal when it's hurt, so I don't put myself in any position where there is any potential for pain, whether by my actions or others. I was taken by surprise by how much my decision affected me, and realised how much I had let my guard down, and I only have myself to blame, no-one else. Pain is a warning signal that something's not right, a mechanism God Himself created for our own good, and as much as I don't like it, I have to ride out this discomfort, this anomaly of 'normal', and learn from it.

At housechurch last night we talked about prayer, and particularly about being specific in prayer. I don't know what to pray at the moment. I want to pray for what I *want* in my life, but I know that what I want and what God has planned for me aren't always the same thing. Some days all I can manage is 'God, help me', 'God, guide me', 'God, be with me'. At the moment I'm clinging to God, because He is the only foundation I can firmly plant my feet on, the only thing I don't have to question I can rely on, won't be pulled out from under me. So whilst I'm not suffering, I am going through a trial, and at some point it will end, for now, and I will be stronger because of Him, more firm and steadfast in Him, and for that alone, this trial is worth it. I don't proclaim to understand His ways, to 'get' how we are refined by pressure and fire, I just know that we are. This journey will make me stronger for the next one (and I have no doubt there will be more), and for that I am grateful, but at the moment I need to deal with this one, to let the (inadvertently self-inflicted) bruises heal, to pause and reflect, and learn.

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Deuteronomy 33:27

Brightness amidst the chaos

Last Friday, I graduated from university with a Bachelor of Nursing degree.

A few years ago I was going through some counselling, and the university announced it would be opening a campus in our town. I immediately knew I wanted to undertake the nursing degree, and I was discussing this with my counsellor, but voicing my fears about never finishing things in my like, and as a result feeling like anything I decided to do, I would fail. During the course of our conversation, she asked me if I did decide to do the study, and I finished, where would the graduation be? I told her, and she said to me 'picture yourself waking across that stage to receive your degree, with your family there, and that will get you through the times you want to give up'. Three and a half years later, she was right, that vision worked, and on Friday it came to pass. Just about exactly as I had pictured. Whilst I never seriously considered quitting study, there were times I wondered how I was going to get through it all. This is how I did (in no particular order!):

My mum and I

Babysitter; house cleaner; cook; coffee 'buddy'; encourager. Not enough words to describe who my mum has been for me particularly through these last few years, but just a few that are important! Mum has been there to jump in when I need someone to have the kids, come and cleaned my house when it's gotten too much for me, made tea for us so I don't have to, met me for coffee when I've had enough, and just always told me to keep going (even if she was as stressed as I was!!!).

My dad and I

I initially went to uni straight out of high school, and at the time I was the first of the grandkids on my dad's side to do so. My dad was *so* proud of me, and I remember my Poppi crying on the phone when I told him. I came back home after a year, and whilst my dad never, ever said anything to me, I knew he was disappointed, and hoped I would go back one day. On Friday he got to see me collect my degree, and it was in no small part due to him. Dad has always been such a quiet support in *so* many areas of my life, sometimes seemingly (from the outside) without action or voice, but his encouragement has been never-failing and ever present, and at times when I thought I didn't want to do it any more, that vision of collecting my degree with my dad in the audience was enough to keep me going. I know he is so proud of me in my life regardless, but I know he is particularly proud that I've done this, I've set a goal and achieved it, and am now loving what I'm doing.

My step-dad, me and my mum

My step-dad came into my life when he started going out with my mum when I was 17, never having any children of his own. I left for uni not long after, so it took as a while to get to know each other and get 'used to' each other when I came back. He has always been a friend and supporter, and when the kids started coming along, he jumped into that role feet first! He isn't a parent to me or a grandparent to my kids, he's a 'M***' who loves us and cares for us, and that's more than enough. My decision to go to uni was met with admiration and encouragement, which has always been appreciated, especially when it meant having kids come and live with them for a couple of weeks whilst I was off on placement!

The Little Boy, me, The Big Kid and The Princess

The lights of my life. I remember a particular point in time, about 18 months ago, I was washing the dishes and I just dropped everything, closed my eyes, breathed out and wondered if all the stress was *really* worth it. It was a particularly stressful point in study, I felt like I was neglecting the kids and I was scared that I wasn't doing the right thing. Then I took a deep breath, prayed for God's strength to get through the rest of the day, and just kept going. This journey has been for the kids, for me to be able to provide for them, to show them that with God you can do big things. They love that I'm a nurse, and have lots of questions about my job and what I do. I love sharing with them (what I can) what I've learned, what I do, and what it means to serve other people. I love every day I have with them, even the ones that aren't so much fun, and even though I know I'll never be in the running for Mother of the Year, I know that because I've let God into our lives, I'm doing the best I can for them, to help them grow into the people He has created them to be. These three little people test every fibre of my being, they make me laugh and cry and frustrated and elated and just plain tired. But they are *such* lights in this crazy, incomprehensible world, and I thank God every day that He has blessed me with shepherding them through this journey called life.

Mr C, the gorgeous D, her hubby M, Miss K and diva Miss S

This beautiful family I am so blessed to call my family. As I've posted before, D has always been such an encouragement and support to me, whatever I've chosen to do, but I haven't posted about the friend her husband M is to me as well. I often feel the need to clarify that he isn't just my best friend's husband, but my very dear friend as well. And he talks as much as I do!!! M has always jumped in to help us whenever he can, whether it's with the kids, as someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, or just deal with life 'behind the scenes' so D can help me or if we're doing something together. I love that these guys are our family, I love the kids like my own, and I was blessed to see 2 of them come into the world. These guys are our refuge at times, they love us, encourage us, let us just hang out and sometimes feed us, lol!! Our live wouldn't be the same without them in it, and I thank God every day that He brought D into my life 10 years ago. We've been through the rollercoaster of life in our friendship, but the foundations have never been shaken, and I am so grateful it is something I can plant my feet on and feel safe in.

My little sis K and I

This gorgeous girl and I are about as chalk and cheese as two people can possibly be. She manages a pub; I'm a nurse. I'm divorced with 3 kids; she doesn't want to get married or have kids. I'm 5'7", 85kg and have more than one letter in my cup size; she's 5'10", nearly half my dress size and can go without any, ahem, 'support'. Think of any other possible comparison and we're probably at opposite ends of the spectrum. But we do have something in common - we love our family, and crazy as it is, we love my kids and we love each other dearly. Growing up saw more conflict than peace as siblings, but now as adults we've settled into a relationship that is somehow easier, even if we don't get to see each other that often. We don't agree on a lot of things, we both see life very differently, but we both wouldn't be who we are now without each other. A different as we are, there are times I feel sad The Princess doesn't have a sister and won't get to experience the relationship I have with K. And now she's leaving to *finally* go across the other side of the world for a whole new life experience. Even though she won't be here, I won't 'miss' her, because I have wanted this for her for such a long time, and am so grateful that's she's taking the plunge of leaving her comfort zone and embarking on a whole new challenge. I will miss coffee at the pub though!!

There are so many other people who have had an effect and an impact on this journey of mine, it would be impossible to talk about them all. But above everyone is my wonderful Father God, without whom I would not be here - literally, figuratively, anything. It is because of him all these people have been who they are to me, because of Him I continued to plug on when I didn't feel like it, because of him I go to work with an element of fear every shift that I won't be good enough, I'll do something wrong, I will be convinced that I'm really not supposed to be a nurse. Whenever those thoughts creep in, I only have to lift my eyes unto the hills, because that's where my help comes from - the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121). He keeps clearing the way for me to serve Him in serving others, in this career He has set me on. There are some days where the only prayer I can manage is "God, help me". And He does - unfailingly, without question, and always. Thank you, my Lord and Saviour, for the blessings you bring into my life every day in the form of those who love me, who provide for me and who just *are* for me. Even if they don't see you in my life or theirs, I do, and for that I give you praise.

I'll leave you with this - courtesy of The Big Kid. For anyone who ever says 'can't', this is what I think:

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'
(Philippians 4:13)

With Him