I'm really not sure how to start this post, or that I'm even going to be able to make sense of the thoughts swirling around my head at the moment. Perhaps we'll start with a story about an event that took place in our house this evening.
The kids came back from their dad's tonight, and were having a couple of lollies after tea (first night home treat!!!). The Little Boy (nearly 5) was eating a lollipop at my feet, when I hear him coughing and choking. He had bitten the lollipop and it appeared that a bit was stuck in his throat. He burped and fluid came out, The Big Kid was patting him on the back, it didn't look too bad at that point. Then in an instant I could see he was struggling to breathe and I started hitting his back with upward strokes, a la first aid. I saw that it didn't seem to be helping, and he had gone a bit quiet and I could hear him gasping. With him in my arms, I dialled 000 then thought I couldn't do both at once, so I (calmly!!) handed the phone to the Big Kid, told him to ask for an ambulance and to tell the person what was happening. I know kids can lose O2 very quickly, it just didn't seem that my thumping was helping, and I was trying not to panic. I was *just* about to turn the Little Boy over and see if I needed to start CPR, as he coughed and swallowed and took a big breath and started getting down (from being held). He grabbed his drink bottle and had a big drink, I asked him if the lolly was gone and he said it was, he felt better. The Big Kid was still talking to the 000 operator, and I told him to tell her it was
ok, then took the phone. The Little Boy went and just plopped himself on the couch to watch the DVD, as if nothing had happened,
lol!!!! The 000 operator was lovely, she asked if I still wanted an ambulance to check him out, and to call back at any time if I thought he needed checking over. I thanked her and hung the phone up, and allowed myself to quietly freak out for a second or two. After checking the Little Boy again, I checked with the Big Kid, who said he was still shaking,
lol. I told him how proud I was of him, for what he did, and how much he helped us all. I am
sooooo proud of my boy, for his level-
headedness and maturity. I'll be keeping an eye on him over the next few days, he said he was scared for his brother and kids can dwell on things as much as we do. He says he's fine, of course, but I'm his mum, I know better!
The Little Boy then ate more pizza and told me that got rid of the lolly in his throat (which I actually found on the floor, it obviously got thumped out in the end!!!!). My kids don't have much in the way of lollies, esp. hard ones, and I've never had a choking incident with any of them before, I'm just so thankful that the Little Boy was right with me - he knows he won't be having them anymore!!!
Reflecting on this incident over the course of the evening prompted me to think about what was I supposed to learn from it. When everything had calmed down, I realised that I hadn't thought to ask God for help when my child was choking - not that I remember, anyway. I know everything was happening very quickly, and I immediately went into parent-mode, doing what I had to to protect my child, which consumed all my focus. I also know without doubt that God carried us all through the situation, He laid His calming and protective hand on us to do what had to be done. I was contemplating this as I was putting the kids to bed, and as I was wondering what the lesson in this was (to teach me to appreciate my kids? to be a better parent? to trust God?), the line 'He gives and takes away' floated through my conscious. Did He allow us to go through this to show me (show us??) how everything in this world belongs to Him, we are His children, and it is by His will that He gives to us and takes away from us?? This musing seemed to explode a torrent of thoughts in my head, branching off every which way and prompting me to compose this post.
AS 2008 begins, I've seen renewed discussion of
Ali Edward's 'One Little Word' concept , and I believe God gave my word to me as I filtered through various suggestions in my head - Focus. Focus on God first; Focus on one thing at a time; Focus on what's important, and what can be let go. He is doing a work in me at the moment, stirring something in me, and I really don't have an idea what it is, but I know I need to Focus on Him and His will to find out what His plan for me is. I'm easily distracted, in many areas of my life. I'm a good one for making plans, be it getting the housework done or setting life goals, and I struggle more often than not to stay 'on task and on track'. I need to Focus more, seek Him more and listen to what He's trying to tell me. Stay with me, there is a point for this jump in the stream of my thinking.
There's nothing like your child being in a life threatening situation to make you focus on what's important, and what needs to be done. I can tell you I wasn't distracted as I was doing everything I could within my power to make sure my child didn't die. I know that sounds all very melodramatic, but that's what was going through my head, 'I know kids die from choking, and nothing seems to be working, please don't let him die'. As I said, I don't remember asking God to help me. I'm having a bit of an issue with that, questioning where my focus is (in general, in the overall scheme of things). Is it on God, or on me? I know I'm not as dependent on Him as I like to think I am, I know I still 'default' to doing things my way much of the time, I forget to seek Him, rely on Him, ask Him for guidance. I feel like I am doing all of the above all day, but this event has really shaken me, where I'm really questioning where my focus is. I don't believe things happen by accident, I know God has His hand in everything, and I believe He allows the not-so-nice things of life to happen to us to teach us, to shape us, to refine us.
God has been prodding me to give up some things in my life of late, nothing that would be considered 'bad' by the world's standards, but certainly things that I know divert my focus from Him. I know I allow time wasters to suck time from my day, my life, and I know I am capable of not giving into those temptations, but I also know I more often than not choose to do what 'feels good' at the time. I have a fear of being bored - not that I can actually remember the last time in my life that I was bored - so I do things that constantly keep me entertained and occupied, and often feel empty at the end of the day when I consider how I spent some of my waking hours each day. I know God wants us to enjoy our life, to engage in that which makes our souls sing, and that happens when what we love, what we enjoy doing correlates with His plan for us, His will for us - He alone knows what that is perfectly, because it is He who has placed our desires in our hearts -
'Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart' (Psalm 37:4). I don't read that as seek God and He will give you what you *think* you want, I read that to mean that in seeking God, He will place desires in your heart that are pleasing to Him and fulfilling for you, because they are one and the same.
I often find myself frustrated with various things in my life not turning out how I envisioned they would, from my marriage to a scrapbook page. God has certainly worked on my perfectionist tendencies, relaxing and encouraging me to just
do and just
be, it can't be perfect so don't try so hard to make it, just do the best you can. I'm so much better at actually finishing things now than I ever have been in my life, but I still struggle every day with not being disappointed that something won't turn out
exactly how I want it to. The desires He has placed on my heart sometimes surprise me, as they are often challenged by this perfectionist streak, and I'm constantly learning that His will and His way for me are His best for me, even if I struggle with that. I am reminded time and time again of His promise to me
'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' (Jeremiah 29:11). I need to
focus on that, on His assurance that He has it all in hand, that my thoughts are not His thoughts, my ways are not His ways, and His ways and thoughts are higher than mine (
Isaiah 55:8-9). I need to
focus on Him, to call upon Him and seek Him and pray to Him, He will listen to me and I will find Him when I seek Him with all my heart (
Jeremiah 29:12-13).
Everything I have doesn't belong to me, and I could lose it all in an instant. I had a horrible, bone chilling, heart stopping glimpse of that today, and I would be very happy to never have to experience that again. By the same token, I have a wonderfully abundant, amazingly blessed life, that
is full of joy and wonder and love and adventure, only by the grace of God. That is what I need to
focus on, that which He has blessed me with and what He has planned for me. Nothing like a kid choking on a lollipop to give you a bit of perspective on life.
The Boys
July 2006
