Happily sending 2008 on it's way

I'm the first to admit that I've been a bit of a Grinch of late. I had zero Christmas spirit this year, and would have happily avoided all activities pertaining to what this time of year has become if I had my way. And as I've posted before, feeling like this leaves me feeling very guily, because I really do live a wonderful life, and in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. I have good health, beautiful children, people to love and who love me, a great job, a roof over our heads and food on our plates and so much more in abundance. The fact I can turn a tap on and have water come out of it should be enough reason to celebrate each and every day. So I particularly don't like it when the path I'm treading in this crazy life takes me through these times, it becomes all to easy to focus on myself and what I don't have. Which is really very little.
The only reason I thought to post today is because it's the last day of 2008, and for the last few years I've posted about the end of the eyar/the coming new year, and reflected on what was and what I was anticipating to come. This year is somewhat different. It hasn't been a bad year, as such, but it certainly has been a particularly challenging one with some rough patches. I don't actually feel a whole lot at the moment, about anything. If there is one thing I have had drummed inot me this year, it's that we really have no idea what is around the corner, what is ahead of us, and we take so much for granted that when 'thing's happen that weren't on our agenda, we're truly surprised that it could happen to us. It's been such a year of highs and lows, of extreme contrasts, of things I didn't think would happen in my life. Why I ever thought like that seems so foreign to me now, I know now that the unexpected does happen, and we can't live in safe, climate controlled little bubbles where things happen as we intend.
I started the year with a real sense of anticipation, I was really looking forward to what 2008 was going to bring - new job, new experiences, and I had a real desire to live more fully for God and in God. 2008 didn't exactly pan out like that. Oh, there were flashes here and there, and I crave the feeling those times brought again. I started work, and it seemed like so many things I'd worked so hard for were falling into place. Then Steve died, and so much of what I had taken for granted in this life was shattered, the way I saw living, and what is 'supposed' to be was changed forever. Steve dying truly showed me that we can't assume we have the rest of today, let alone tomorrow, and this is how we should live - right now, in this moment, not for what may be. His death also taught me a lesson in 'what if', how that sentiment doesn't really matter, because we can never change the past, we have to deal with 'what is', not the 'what if'. That is a constant work in progress for me, not one I have any definite answers to. But losing Steve also showed me what God's love is for us all, how He uses each and every one of His children for His purpose, even when we can't make sense of His direction. There have been so many blessings come out of this tragedy, I've seen things in people I may never have if it all hadn't happened, and I can't help but be grateful for that.
I graduated with my degree only a few weeks after Steve died, and it was certainly one of the highs of the year. It was the cumulation of several years of hard work, and the best part was having my family see me collect my parchment, to be able to be up on that stage because of what they had done for me along the way. It wasn't long after this that I got hurt at work, which was the start of a whole new journey.
That was certainly one of the 'it won't happen to me' things I used to think. I was aware of protecting my back at work, I practised safe manual handling, I exercised to stay fit - at uni it was drummed inot us 'look after your back'. What they forget to tell you is that true accidents do happen, sick patients fall and grab you and there's nothing you or anyone could have done to foresee or prevent it. The patient with whom I had the accident passed away a few days ago, and as I was reflecting on the incident, I thought about how much that moment in time has changed my life, in so many ways I could never have anticipated. It's the most life-changing incident I've had to deal with since my marriage ended, and at times I just wanted to give into the pain and curl up in the foeta position and shut out the world. Fortunately, the nature of my life means I didn't get to do that, especially as a single parent. The world around me doesn't change, it keeps ticking on, keeps expecting and demanding, and I just have to keep doing. The effect my injury had on my work wasn't brilliant, and it has taken a lot to get to where I am now - thankfully, I'm blessed with a very supportive employer and workplace, and my rehab and return-to-work is now ticking along as it should. It's taken months, and many tears (on my pat!!), but I'm getting there. I can't help but look at the other grads (graduate nurses) and wish I was in their position, where they now all have jobs at the hospital, but I keep reminding myself that that's their path, not mine, I'm on a different journey, and for whatever reason, mine is less directed, less certain. My job finishes in April, and I have no idea of my employment prospects after that. I do know I'll be doing some further study, but as I've learned, my plans aren't always how my life turns out!!!
I hate to admit it, but I have struggled with seeing the good in everything this year. I'm normally a glass-half-full sort of person, I don't get easily anxious or stressed and can generally deal with whatever comes my way, in the long run. This year has thrown things at me that I've felt like I wouldn't be able to deal with, I've been stressed a lot more easily than I'm familiar with, and for the first time I've wondered 'why me?' about various things. I keep bringing myself back to reality, but my heart doesn't seem to want to follow my head. I feel like what I desire and what I keep working towards because it's what's in my heart is going to be always elusive, that my dreams perhaps aren't going to come to fruition. It seems that this past year I've really been slapped in the face with a big dose of reality, been beaten around by the dreams that are now not to be, and I'm learning to live with uncertainty. These aren't necessarily 'bad' things - it just takes a lot of energy to deal with, to keep reminding myself that as cliched as it sounds, when doors close, noew doors and new paths open, and they're often not what you expect.
The end of the year sees me the heaviest I've ever been (though interestingly not the biggest clothing size!!!), very unfit, tired and worn out, and I feel like I don't 'fit'. Fit exactly where, I'm not sure, I just feel restless, un-authentic (if that makes sense), like I'm not living my life as I should be. And again, that's not a bad thing, it's making me really think about my priorities, what I'm really doing each and every day, and I'm realising I waste a lot of time on things that aren't worthwhile, things that aren't productive. And that needs to change. It's like with the advent of 2009, I feel the winds of change blowing, like I'm at a crossroads, and any other cliche you can throw in there, and only I can make the decision about which way to go.
I can't say that I live life in absolute uncertainty, because I know without even thinking about it that I have the certainty of life lived with God, with His love and His direction. Sometimes that's all that gets me through the day, and even though I've felt distant from Him (not Him from me) for musch of the year, I know He is there, He will never leave me or fail me, and all I have to do is rest in Him. He has plans for me, a future and a hope and that is the promise I live by.
So, with that in mind, I welcome in 2009, whatever it may bring. There will be ups and downs, challenges and joys, and I can only take each day as it comes. It will be a year of new experiences and lessons, and I will be all the better for it :-)