As soon as I heard Steve was missing on Sunday, I went into 'shut down', into hiberation, maintenance mode, waiting for direction for the next step. I had a tear a couple of times, but it was just in passing. It was like I was waiting for the final outcome before I allowed myself to feel, to know where to expend my energies.
Today is Thursday, and I'm still yet to feel. I feel like I don't have a right to feel, because as much as this has all impacted my life, it's nothing compared to how it affects Kristy and Steve's family. I loved Steve as a brother in Christ, and I know he is now in Paradise, and somehow, I don't grieve for him. But I grieve for the gaping hole he has left behind in all our lives, and for the future Kristy dreamed of for so long that has now been altered forever.
I grieve, but I don't feel. I can shed tears over the movie I'm watching now (Calendar Girls), but I can't cry over losing someone who had an influence on my life. But I feel that this all doesn't matter, because my grief pales in comparison to Kristy's and Steve's family.
I know God has purpose in this. I know Kristy is struggling in her relationship with God right now, and perhaps His purpose for me now is to stand for her, when she can't, to pray for her, to pray that she knows God is with her, even when she's questioning that. I pray that I can be God's light and love to Kristy and the families and our friends, as He call us to share . I have no idea how to do that, how to be that exactly, all I know to do is pray '....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.' (2 Corinthians 1:4)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
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1 comments:
Across the world, unknown to any of you, I am praying for her, as are many, many brothers and sisters in Christ.
God is good and will provide her every need. I am praying that His comfort and provision for her will blow her fears and doubts out of the water.
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